Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds...But now He has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in His sight, without blemish and free from Accusation- Colossians 1:21-22
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| "You are beautiful!" |
"Jesus, You say the nicest things I've ever heard and always wanted to!" This the beginning of my journal entry just a few days prior. "And today I'm so painfully aware of my complete lack of worthiness to be called Your Queen. I honestly don't know how You can stand the sight of me and yet You tell me everyday that I am beautiful."
After trying on outfit after outfit and seeing in the full length mirror of the dressing room the damage I have once again inflicted on my body through poor food choices and lack of exercise, all those same feelings of shame and disgust in myself all come back and wash over me like a rushing river after a serious rain storm! This enemy of mine has followed me for the last 34 years!
I started out small, weighing only 5 lbs. 2 oz. at birth. But that did not determine the course of my weight for long. The first time it reared it's ugly head, I was just 9 years old. I had moved in with my grandma and grandpa after my dad divorced my first step-mom. Living at grandma's house was such a wonderful change especially come meal time. Where I was once strictly monitored in my diet, even missing meals as punishment, I was now allowed to eat grandma's savory and scrumptious dinners accompanied by her rich moist chocolate cake slathered in homemade chocolate icing that contained just a hint of coffee (her secret ingredient) every night! Well by the time I moved back in with my dad and new sep-mom 2 years later, I had put on more than a few pounds!
"Fatty fatty 2x4 can't fit through the bathroom door", my brother would chant mercilessly. But it was when my dad told me I was fat while standing at the fridge one day that cut me to the core. I was 13 by this time and just starting the 8th grade. My dad's acceptance meant everything to me at the time as he was all I had. So I stopped eating. I dropped all excess pounds of fat and was quite thin at which point my step-mom started scolding me for not eating! So what's a girl to do? Well, at the time, I did the only thing I could think of, I ate the one meal I was at home for and snuck outside to throw it up. I know it's gross but I was desperate for my dad's approval, having been rejected by my biological mother, who had run out on us when I was 2.
That is how the cycle of yo-yo syndrome began for me. I have several distant family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my grandma before grandpa passed away, who are morbidly obese. Over the years I have struggled to maintain a healthy weight. I put on 80 lbs. with the pregnancy of my first daughter. I lost all but about 10 lbs. on Weight Watchers. Gained 15 lbs in the next few years then 30 more during pregnancy with my second daughter. Lost that weight through Herbalife pills. And it's been up and down till this day, gaining more weight each time. If I'm not on a diet, I'm gaining weight!
3 years ago I was on Weight Watchers again for the umpteenth time, I had lost 17 lbs. and finally I was very comfortable with my weight. Then...I got sick...I'm still sick, and I've put on more weight than I want to admit. I am devastated at the sight in the full length mirror at the store, but more than that, I am truly amazed at the Love of Jesus who tells me everyday that I'm beautiful, that I am His Queen and He is my Bridegroom. He says He chose me even before I was conceived, I was created for Him and His glory. God's description and feelings for me are so different than my own. So different...I don't understand it, but I do believe it because He doesn't let a day go by without telling me so and remaining faithfully by my side. He tells me He is in my corner fighting for me and setting me high above all of my enemies!! And I believe Him! Yes, I do believe Him!! I can't wait to report to you how He is does that! That's just a peek into the indescribably beautiful and much more than wonderful heart of God!!
After walking out of the dressing room with my head hung low, I tried to make sense of the whole trip to that store. "Why did God lead me to this place anyway", I asked myself. As I sit on my bed, tears streaming down my face, burning my cheeks, reliving the pain of being overweight time and time again, I realize, I get to share How indescribably good God's Love is! The verse at the top says "we are presented holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation" through the death of Jesus' physical body! What an awesome God!! So no matter what size you are, know this for a fact, you are beautiful in the eyes and mind of the God who created you! You are beautiful!!
I have put my trust in God, and I will rise like the eagles! I will spread my wings and fly, I will fly away like the butterfly with nothing to weigh me down! "To him who the Son sets free is free in deed!" That's the Word of God! Even though I have some ugly battles yet to be won, I wouldn't want to be anybody else in the whole world, not for the whole world, otherwise I wouldn't have this relationship with God! He is worth everything we go through in this life and so much more!!! I will thank You forever my precious Jesus and Heavenly Father!!
That is how the cycle of yo-yo syndrome began for me. I have several distant family members, aunts, uncles, cousins, and even my grandma before grandpa passed away, who are morbidly obese. Over the years I have struggled to maintain a healthy weight. I put on 80 lbs. with the pregnancy of my first daughter. I lost all but about 10 lbs. on Weight Watchers. Gained 15 lbs in the next few years then 30 more during pregnancy with my second daughter. Lost that weight through Herbalife pills. And it's been up and down till this day, gaining more weight each time. If I'm not on a diet, I'm gaining weight!
3 years ago I was on Weight Watchers again for the umpteenth time, I had lost 17 lbs. and finally I was very comfortable with my weight. Then...I got sick...I'm still sick, and I've put on more weight than I want to admit. I am devastated at the sight in the full length mirror at the store, but more than that, I am truly amazed at the Love of Jesus who tells me everyday that I'm beautiful, that I am His Queen and He is my Bridegroom. He says He chose me even before I was conceived, I was created for Him and His glory. God's description and feelings for me are so different than my own. So different...I don't understand it, but I do believe it because He doesn't let a day go by without telling me so and remaining faithfully by my side. He tells me He is in my corner fighting for me and setting me high above all of my enemies!! And I believe Him! Yes, I do believe Him!! I can't wait to report to you how He is does that! That's just a peek into the indescribably beautiful and much more than wonderful heart of God!!
After walking out of the dressing room with my head hung low, I tried to make sense of the whole trip to that store. "Why did God lead me to this place anyway", I asked myself. As I sit on my bed, tears streaming down my face, burning my cheeks, reliving the pain of being overweight time and time again, I realize, I get to share How indescribably good God's Love is! The verse at the top says "we are presented holy in His sight, without blemish and free from accusation" through the death of Jesus' physical body! What an awesome God!! So no matter what size you are, know this for a fact, you are beautiful in the eyes and mind of the God who created you! You are beautiful!!
I have put my trust in God, and I will rise like the eagles! I will spread my wings and fly, I will fly away like the butterfly with nothing to weigh me down! "To him who the Son sets free is free in deed!" That's the Word of God! Even though I have some ugly battles yet to be won, I wouldn't want to be anybody else in the whole world, not for the whole world, otherwise I wouldn't have this relationship with God! He is worth everything we go through in this life and so much more!!! I will thank You forever my precious Jesus and Heavenly Father!!
