That's what I told the kind, pretty lady at the park when she asked for my name. "My name is Mud", I said with my head hung low. "Where do you live", she asked with concern in her voice. My reply, "under a rock" I mumbled shyly. I was the lowest of the low, I was the scum under the scum! At least that is how I felt at the time.
Almost 8 years prior to that day at the park, I decided to turn to alcohol when my life had been thrown out of control by infidelity. I married at the young age of 19. I was pregnant. I told the father of my child he didn't have to marry me if he didn't want to, I was totally willing to go have the baby and raise the child myself. He begrudgingly decided to marry me. He came home one night after work to tell me, "we are getting married September 26, 1:00pm, at the Court House. That was his proposal! The day came and we were married in a small dark office with his not too thrilled parents and his older sister. They were our witnesses. The honeymoon was just as romantic. A friend let us stay in her mobile home on the Oregon Coast for the night as her "wedding" gift to us. I remember my new husband sitting in the recliner chair sulking over what he had just done. It was a sad night for me as he didn't even want to sleep with me. That was the beginning of our 12 year marriage.
About a year after our beautiful baby girl was born I decided to start going to church. My childhood consisted of a mother that abandoned me when I was 2, two step-mothers that despised and abused me, a father that was gone most of the time and to this day is a severe alcoholic. There was always strife, violent arguments, and a whole lot of yelling when my dad was home. I wanted to give my daughter what I didn't have growing up. Love, God, acceptance, and a happy home. I just knew God was the only one who could help me do this for her. So I went to church in search of the One who gave me this precious gift of a daughter.
To make a loooong story shorter, I actually found God through my new sister-in-law, a very giving and godly woman, who graciously shared the gospel of Jesus Christ with me. I asked the Lord into my heart and went to church and Bible study to learn all I could about this wonderful God who through the pain blessed my socks off!
3 1/2 years after my first daughter was born I gave birth to another beautiful baby girl. This one had blond hair, blue eyes and very fair skin, unlike her sister who had olive skin, dark hair, and brown eyes. They are just as different in their personalities as they are in looks! I was in love with my children! God was so good to me! I took great care to give them a loving peaceful home and raise them up in the ways of the Lord.
Fast forward about 8 years. It was a night like any other night, at least it started out that way, when I heard the phone ringing. I picked it up, and said, "hello" as usual. The person on the other end did not sound happy, it was a friend of mine's husband. Their daughter was on our daughter's softball team, went to the same school, same church and we had all become "good" friends. Anyway, her apparently angry husband asked to talk to my husband. He took the phone and went in to the home office room where he remained tied up on this phone conversation for quite some time. When I questioned him about what that call was all about, my husband told me he had been seeing our friend's wife.
You know the phrase, "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"? Yup, it's true! I was "the poster child" for that saying for quite some time. The funny thing is, I had a dream, not long before this revelation, that my husband was having an affair, hiding funds from me, and planning to leave me. That is exactly what was going! Ha, I just thought it was a bad dream. Turned out God really does talk to us in our sleep! That bad dream turned into a real life nightmare!
Needless to say, I couldn't take it! I had been rejected and abandoned all my life and this was too much! I know the Bible says God doesn't give us more than we can handle, but I felt like the exception! I couldn't handle my pain anymore so like the majority of my family, I turned to alcohol for comfort. I was so grateful to God for revealing what my husband was doing but I just couldn't "do the right thing." What I'm trying to say is I wasn't intentionally rebelling against God, although that's exactly what I was doing. No, in my head I was rebelling against the situation and my whole life. Can I just say here, "that was a BIG mistake!"
Approximately 8 months later, after failing at putting our marriage back together and being in the paper process of a divorce, (mentally divorced long before!) the Lord sent a wonderful new man into my life. It was a fairy tale. He was my Prince Charming, he rescued me from my pain and loved me and I felt loved. He proposed in the sweetest of ways and I got to have my beautiful wedding day I had always longed for. There was just one problem. I was already addicted to alcohol which at the time seemed "under control" ha, whatever that means. Anyway, my new husband also was drinker and we LOVED to go out to the bars for "fun".
Did you know, the longer a person is addicted to alcohol, the worse of a person they become? (Is that a common sense thing, cause mine was broken at the time!) That's what happened to me and my fairy tale marriage wasn't a fairy tale for long. We did love each other deeply, but when we were drunk, we did and said all kinds of stupid bad things to each other :( Our kids were disgusted with us most of the time as was our extended families. I was unemployed and couldn't seem to hold down a job due to health problems. This freed me up to drink all day if I wanted to. Some nights I wouldn't even go to bed, I just drank and partied my life away. If I wasn't drunk It was because I was to sick to drink. What a mess I was. Living in the pit of hell day after miserable day. Drinking wasn't fun anymore, I just couldn't get out! If I could've afforded it, I would have admitted myself to a rehab center.
And then Jesus came!! While sitting outside in the back yard one evening drinking my vodka diet and smoking my cigarettes, I heard music coming from the park which borders our property. It was live music and I recognized it as gospel music. Oh how I missed God and couldn't believe I had allowed my life to go this direction. I was too ashamed to enter a church and I didn't have the confidence to be accountable to other Christians for my sobriety. I could however go listen from a distance to this music that was coming from the park. Well, guess who else was there? Ya, it was God. His presence overwhelmed me and I began to cry uncontrollably. I was standing by a tree and a sweet gentleman came over and offered me a seat by his beautiful bride. I declined at first as, you know... SHAME..... But then as the flood gates of my eyes wouldn't close, despair took over (which Im sure was actually the work of the Holy Spirit) and I took that seat next to the nice man's wife after all. She was a beautiful lady with a kind and gentle voice. I was a victim of her godliness and I spilled my guts to her, ALL of them! I can't explain it, it just had to be God!
After the evangelists were done singing they welcomed people to come up for prayer if they would like. Shyly I stayed where I was and having had their eyes on me the whole time, they came to me and prayed over me. They told me to ask Jesus to come into my heart and I did. I cried, I shook, I got very dizzy and weak, and most importantly, I GOT DELIVERED!!! THANK YOU JESUS!!! I walked to the park a miserable, wretched, loser and I left that park a saved, delivered, cleansed daughter of the KING!!! Awww......the sweetness of JESUS, there is nothing better! "God's love is better than wine!"
Not only did I get saved, but less than two weeks later, my husband asked Jesus into his heart and quit drinking too!! That was over 3 years ago and I'm happier than I've ever been. And for the first time in my life I can honestly say, "there is no one else I'ld rather be than me!" God thought enough of me to come after me and bring me back into "the fold" through those beautiful evangelists who are very dear friends of ours to this day. And the nice man and his beautiful bride, they very quickly became my "spiritual" momma and poppa. God really does place the lonely in families like His Word says! I am such a grateful child! For as you see, as it is written in the Bible, "nothing is impossible with God!" If God says it, you can believe it!!!
*Have you ever had a GOD encounter? I would love to hear about it! *
